Remember, kids, Super Mario says if you do drugs, you go to hell before you die.

Also, eat that mushroom, it gives you, like, powers.

After Stan professes his ignorance of the Joseph Smith story, Gary’s Father begins telling the story of the Mormon prophet’s vision.

Essential viewing on Mormonism.

“People who like Mitt Romney like him for the same reason other people like rappers who endlessly rub it in that their life is so much better than ours. They’re in the hot tub at the after party with the bling and the bitches. And yet no matter how clear Jay-Z makes it that the hot tub is only for the coolest and most beautiful people, somehow when the song ends we think, ‘That is us,’ the coolest and most beautiful people.”

— Bill Maher, too awesome for words.

Americans for a better tomorrow…tomorrow.

javajunkie247:

Texas Governor Rick Perry Defends his “Strong” ad by proving once again how stupid, homophobic, and delusional he really is. He’s like a walking nightmare of Christian Conservative cliches.

Let me break this down for y’all. What I’m going to do is translate Rick Perry’s politi-talk, which anyone can see he’s not very good at, into regular English.

Interviewer: What is President Obama’s “war on religion.”

Rick Perry (0:03-0:39): President Obama hates religion, he wants to take their money away (requested evidence or specific example not provided)

(0:39-0:53): Did I mention that I am a Christian?

(0:53-1:08) Loosely Christian sounding incoherent rambling eats up time while making me look good to dumbasses who vote for most Jesusy candidate (includes the phrase ‘drampled ubon’). Also, I heard Obama hates Christmas, just sayin’

Question (1:08-1:11) Does the separation of church and state mean anything to you (you brainless fartknocker)?

Rick Perry: (1:11-1:18) CHRISTIANS ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE BRWWAAR!

Question (1:18-1:20): What in the living fuck are you talking about right now?

Rick Perry (1:20-1:31): Well, if one judge in San Antonio (a city in the state where I am, in actual fact, the governor) said that Christians can’t force everyone at a public school to pray to their god than the President of the United States must be…wait for it….SATAN!

Question (1:32-1:34): Are you able to go to potty all by yourself?

Rick Perry:(1:34-1:52): Did you know that Obama sneaks into people’s houses at night and wrecks up the place? He also physically peels back the hands of children attempting to pray at their bedsides. It’s all true!

Question (1:53-1:55) President Obama just lit the National Christmas tree. He’s singing songs and all that Jazz. So, like, any wiggle room there?

Rick Perry: (2:03-2:25) Good for him, but the Catholic bishops, you know the ones, I made them up earlier. Yeah, “they” don’t like Obama, so that must mean Obama is at literal war. Also, Imma about to take my ball and go home and then NO ONE CAN PLAY!

Question (2:25-2:38): Yeah, but we shouldn’t be giving money to people who discriminate, right?

Rick Perry (2:38-2:57): It’s called America, pussy. What’re you, some fag?

Question (2:58-3:00): Let’s see if I can ask that again and get a less stupid answer.

Rick Perry (3:00-3:12): First off, I’m going to equate federal funding with first amendment rights and second, these are not the droids you’re looking for.

Question (3:12-3:15): Look, you goddamn hillbilly, you don’t have access to the force, so answer the question right.

Rick Perry (3:15-3:34) Well that logically brings us to abortion. They should be able to be anti-choice if they want. Wait…I MEAN PRO-LIFE. DO OVER, HOLY FUCK, I ACCIDENTALLY SAID IT RIGHT!

Question: (3:34-3:41) So, bringing it back to what we’re talking about, you hate gay people, right?

Rick Perry (3:41-4:00) Absolutely. I told you I was a Christian, right? Didn’t you see my ad?

(4:00-4:27) Hey, also, did you notice that all Obama ever does when it comes to the military is promote homos? What gives there? Like, OK, nevermind all that liberal media noise about Bin Laden and killing or capturing 22 of 30 al-Qaida leaders and all the other military successes of the last four years, what really matters is queens are going to look at our ding dongs in the shower and my UNIT COHESIVENESS just can’t measure up.

Question (4:27-4:31) Yea, OK, but U Rong Doe, lol.

Rick Perry: (4:32-5:08) Do you understand that we’re talking about fags here? Are you even paying attention? These queermosexuals are literally stealing money from the army according to this strategically placed insinuation I’m making.

America: Dear world, we’re really really sorry, this guy, I mean, he is with us, technically, but we had no idea he was gonna be such a douche. Our friend Texas vouched for him and we should really know better cause Texas’ friends ruin everything, we promise we’re going to make it up to you, OK? We made it up to you after that other guy Texas brought ruined your party like 12 years ago (and then again like 7 years ago) but please, don’t hate us again.

Surrounds?

I made this for you all to enjoy.